Firstly just a reminder to check your bits, women your boobs, glands… Boys your penis and balls (not sure how I feel about typing that .. that’s the catholic school girl in me ). Stay on top of the smears, bowel checks, mammograms, colposcopes and any other tests going. They help. Yes I know nothing is perfect but as tesco says would say every little helps.
It’s after seven and I’ve not cried for about an hour which is the longest since my oncology appointment yesterday … major win. .. it was the toughest day of my life … and that’s saying something… Séamus was 9 pound 2 ounces and 14 days over (he’d still be up there if not for the friendly episiotomy). My Doctor’s name is also Séamus which I think is a good sign. I didn’t get any more details on outcomes as it all depends on how my cancer and body react to the chemo. I did ask are we talking weeks, months or years and he said we are hopeful not weeks.. q tears. Siobháin (sister) was with me strong the entire time until I got my bloods and the wimpy pregnant one near fainted… I put me head in the sand for the rest of the day as me and Séamus hosted the first family (immediate) come dine with me. I can’t recommend this enough. I’m sure I, not the only one watching reruns on Netflix. It was lovely to have the family together in a safe space.
But it’s not long until I start so I better get with the program
I start two chemo drugs and another drug to cut the blood supply to the tumour on Tuesday at like 7:45. I will loose the hair but the drug type is not meant to be the worst on the tummy so that’s a positive. It will be weekly for three weeks and then a week off, this will be done three times and then I will be scanned to see if it is working. I will be a day patient. Loads of other good drugs will be on offer for the breathlessness and pain and I’m waiting on the Louth palliative Care team. Now this isn’t because I’m on the way out right now (pls god) it’s that they are the best at dealing with pain and side effects. I will also have a nurse visit weekly with another drug which to be honest I can’t remember what it’s for. It will be tough but I am working on a little less self pit and a bit more strength and positivity.
Some changes I’ve made and need to make. …
I got a cleaner a while ago and let me tell you it is the best thing I have ever done. I always thought there is only two of us and that would be mad lazy. But life is short. If your stressing about everything and can afford any job to be done for you .. do it. My lovely friend who is another rock does the heavy lifting … beds, hoovering etc and a general clean. Meaning I’m not stressing and also I can use my energy to sit downstairs listening to Séamus and his mates on Xbox 🙂 and maybe some other hanging out if he is free 🙂 🙂
I can’t walk the dogs so my dad is doing that solo. To be honest I miss that as lockdown really was great for our daily walks on Clogherhead / Termonfeckin beach and I feel so blessed to hang out with family everyday. I know my brother in Canada would give his right arm to do it. You’d be having the chats with the regulars.. good times. But for now I make do with cuddles and licking my face off the dogs (I don’t like this) .. I am a dog lady .. Ruby and Susie are great at distressing me.. honestly would strongly recommend a companion for anyone with depression or anxiety. (Well maybe not if ya have a fear like)
I had to stop gardening this was a relatively new hobby of mine and I love it. I became obsessed. I have a normal estate garden and the flower beds have gone mad. I did also lay my own patio. Who needs men? Well I’d be lost without my dad, brothers, brothers in law and most importantly the main man Séamus who seems to change his mind about him being a grown up versus child depending on the request 🙂 but this week I am aiming to lay one pot of spring flower bulbs. I love them as when I was in treatment in 2019 the gardens around st Luke’s cheered me up so much. Again honestly if you had head issues getting to nature is a magic cure.
I suppose most importantly my activity level with Séamus is in the toilet, I really try but end up watching moves with me falling asleep. I am hoping to try a swim in the morning. I have a bit of prep work for cancer treatment, I have to put a tv in the bedroom, get more loungewear, look into skincare and loads more but on the positive I don’t need shampoo and conditioner 🙂 🙂
I suppose the above sounds like a good auld moan but sure what harm. I think we should all off load now and then. I was trying to get Siobháin to try a bit of scream therapy down the back Laytown beach. … let it go.. (anyone else hear your one from frozen just there :))
I am loosing the hair within three weeks they say and have not decided about the wig or not? I am able to get a free one on the medical card. (Which is not automatic for terminal patients- ridiculous) But finding bits of Siobháin’s extensions everywhere over the years has me scared, now to be fair the quality has improved since she was 16 they no longer resemble a wire brush, all the same not sure if it’s for me. In the mean time I’ll look at some nice hat and scarf wear. I did buy a stunning hat for my grans funeral couple of years ago but the dog ate that 🙂 anybody any tips on this?
I would like to try blog and write updates but will go with the flow as my priority is Séamus and my family. Who are all trying out this frozen look of grief trying to hide it with a smile. I totally understand as all I see is Séamus my precious human an orphan. Even now I’m crying. I am grieving for the debs, driving lessons when he’d hate me from stopping him hitting the town, leaving cert, college graduation, wedding and magical grand babies… see Irish mammies are certifiable.. I just have to take a deep breath and try enjoy the present. My parents having five children has led to me having the biggest support network ever not to mention one generation back to the aunts and uncles.. thanks guys.
Most importantly I’ve asked about people keeping and eye on Séamus in the family, village and the school and the response is so reassuring. We are so lucky.
I am meeting friends over the weekend, getting our picture taken before hair loss and doing yoga Nidra (highly recommend) .. pack it all in before treatment starts Tuesday.
Honestly if you have a child who can get the hpv vaccine pleas do. I know some people react but do they die? It’s not joke I tell ya
And I’m trying to write back to everyone’s lovely messages but between crying after reading them and the good drugs it gets hard but I so very grateful. I kinda forgot I lived and worked in so many places. Thanks for the flowers, fruit, clothes, support & love
Be safe, be smart and be careful